facing fears, Mr. Caramel

Alcohol give me strength!

I sang in a karaoke bar. I have never sang in front of random ass drunk people, yet I did it. With Caramel, he made me face fears. Not so much of “made” me, more of wanting me to face them. He already sang about 2 songs and could get a crowd going. Of course some half-naked thick girl would be waving her ass in front of him, pfft, slut.

Next thing you know I’m on stage, I’m by the microphone, singing No Doubt’s Underneath it all. In the bathroom, I thought I sounded ok, but when you’re in front of strangers, mostly drunk, and on a P.A. system, you don’t sound good. I can’t believe how nasily my voice is. The whole time he adored me, he sang with me, he encouraged me. No one really paid attention, not even the guy hosting it. I was sinking and then my voice cracked. It sounded like I was going through puberty and the whole bar was witnessing it. I wish I was drunk when I sang it, but I only had about 2 IPA’s in my system. After the 2nd verse he came up and rapped the Jamaican womans part amping me up. I couldn’t wait till it was over and no one gave a shit, or really noticed the winey girl was done singing. I got those awkward claps, you know the, “uhh, yeah” claps. But that wasn’t enough. I was embarrassed but went into the embrace of Mr. Caramel.

I drank some more to wash away the embarrassment and finally moved up from hugs to a small holding of the hand. I think back to what happened and blame my damn hormones. Sometimes I think I mess everything up with my needs and over thinking.

I came home at 3 a.m. with butterflies in my tummy. Because apparently I almost pass out when touching someones hands, but can’t stop thinking horrible perverted things and be 100% A. O.K. with it.

I murdered underneath it all again and will never be able to play it without thinking of this night.

Yet, I managed to mark something off my list of fears.

Sing in karaoke bar.

See, alcohol does help.

What fears has alcohol helped you overcome? Or because of alcohol now what are you afraid of?


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