Since the last time I woke up in a stranger’s bed and wanted to jump out the window, I really haven’t been drinking…that much. I actually was sick in bed for a couple of days with a fever, sore throat,earache, and other disease ridden symptoms. This all being right before NYE.
How did I spend my NYE, you may ask?
Well, I was high off my ass on cough syrup cursing at the world from the confinements of a hello kitty blanket. My mom told me that “God didn’t want me to party.” You know, since my recent debate on this God subject, if he really didn’t want me to party, then I thank him because I’m pretty sure something disastrous would have happened. If I was well and able to attend this party, the guy that I “woke up” to was there, and in all honesty I am not ready to look at his dumb face. This isn’t embarrassment to some secret crush developing inside me. Hell no. This is disgust that I am and was so stupid.
In other news it’s “that one guys” birthday today. The one that so elegantly told me to “fuck off.” To continue the psychotic world babble he invites me to a BBQ tomorrow.
Dear guys of the internet, why are you like this? Why are you so fucking confusing. I’m ok with this, I was mad and I’m over it because I know who I am. All I want is a damn apology. That’s it. For him to admit he was wrong and sorry. I am a George Costanza. I don’t care for the issue, don’t care for the person, but care for the principle. If I don’t go down the path of crazy cat lady, then I’m headed down a spiteful path lead by a short, stocky, bald fictional character. I shoot for the stars.
On the other hand, I over analyze everything and didn’t want him to think that I am a child holding a grudge (when I’m holding on for an apology), so wished him a happy birthday. Again, he invites me over tomorrow and in my head I am weighing so many factors. Pride, self-worth, friendship. which weighs more? If I go and pretend nothing happened, like always, I’ll be in the same exact situation. I want change. With change you need choices, and chances. This is my choice and I’m taking a chance of losing a friend, again.
With all of this, and being sick, it hit me that this is the first time in years that I am 100% without a male. I’ve always had someone, whether it be some 3 or 4 guys on the side or a handful of friends, I always had someone. Someone that I used and they used me and it was fine and dandy.
I cut off all ties and it’s weird. I don’t even want to talk to old friends. I’m over them and feel like every time I reunite with someone I’m thrown down this time machine. A machine where I compare, contrast, and end up depressed. I just don’t care anymore what people think anymore (minus spite situation with “that one guy”).
I’ve gone cold turkey from guys, dicks, and even girls (I’m not gay, not that there’s anything wrong with it.)
I am alone and have to face this dependency that I have thrown on every guy I met that I thought was going to invent something new.
Who needs a time machine when you can discover something new?
Time to depend on myself…