Under Construction

Day 17 of no sex and bluntly all communication cut off from the outside world. I got off the main social network, being how Facebook eventually ruins my mood and am trying desperately each day to simply be happy. It is a damn struggle, but I can do this.

Mr. caramel randomly texted me that he wanted to meet me half way when he comes down next month from San Francisco. Oh, caramel, why? I’m probably going to meet him, have sex with him and then leave. I guess I was more than sex if he keeps thinking about me and is interested in my life. Today was actually everybody from sf contact jane day. I have my friends from every corner asking me when I’m moving back and I have my mom telling me how crazy I’ll look going back and forth every other month.

I was doing so good then these thoughts. I miss the hell out of San Francisco, that was my defining city of freedom but I realized that I have to stop running. I mean my suitcase is still packed, I can hop on the bus or train and I will have a place and job ready for me. I’ll just once again start over, which when you repeat it several times it looses its meaning. I want to be stable and focus on a solid thought and just live, not survive and worry about where I’m sleeping and how much is in my bank account.

I really try to not be depressed, not allow myself to be sad. No one really sees this from me. They see a perverted humorous girl who likes to write and make drinks. I’d just like to be stable for once in my life, that would be out of the norm for me.

I’m sorry, I had a solid thought but was distracted by the last episode of Project Runway all-stars. Just amazing what these people accomplished in 4 freaking days. Each one having a story and desire to win and I am still going down the path of writers block. I wish I could make something that would make someone gasp.

Oh, back to me being against the wall.

I’m still lost. Everyday on my journey I think I’m getting better but I keep thinking. Such a heavy head. Then my sister wants to move to San Bernardino, which from my starting point is far. Further with no car. I have no right to have an opinion. I have to go where she says because she has a job…and I don’t.

I barely have a grip on myself and I definitely don’t have the right on subjects like places to move. So you can tell how lost I am with myself. I don’t want to end up in my sister’s house with her future kids trying to figure out what the hell I am doing.

I keep telling myself this is ok, there’s million of people who still don’t know what they’re doing, where they’re going. I propose I find these people and we all get a drink together.

you can’t rebuild unless you break it…I don’t even have glue.


2 thoughts on “Under Construction

  1. M. Elie says:

    Can I ask a weird question? Why do you suppose you’re not able to be more of yourself around your friends? I can’t imagine they wouldn’t be able to relate to being sad or depressed or confused about life. I’m not sure where you’re living now, but I feel like it might do you some good to give that place a chance before you up and move to another location. I should probably read your archived blog entries before I ask, but what made you leave San Francisco in the first place? Would those issues be resolved if you found yourself back there? From what I’ve read, you seem like a smart girl trying to figure things out. Maybe it might be better to figure out those things before you worry about a change of scenery. In any case, best of luck to you. I know you’ll figure it out.

    • First, there are no weird questions, second thanks for taking the time to read and give me some imput. It was just a bad day, you know how it is, realistically I know what I have to do. I only have one close friend here that I can be myself with, i cut off the rest because if certain people bring you down or are just not good for you, I don’t believe in really dragging out a fake friendship. I had no choice to leave SF due to a “roommate” and a lease that ran up. Thanks for the luck, and I’ll figure it out one day at a time I suppose.

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