It was the last place I expected to be, along with the last place anyone would find me. Once again having the government screwing me over, yesterday I just snapped. I was here now thinking of how I yelled while driving. I was screaming, talking out loud so maybe I could finally be heard. I haven’t cried that uncontrollable in a long time. I couldn’t see where I was going. My eyes kept refilling with tears, washing away my make-up, washing away this face I put on.
I yelled at myself. The other part of me that repeated over and over again, ” You are a loser. This is it. This is what you’ve done. What do you have to show for it.” Washed away this hate towards myself. Moving onto the past.
Who else should I blame? My father who was a drug addict at that time. Maybe.
My mother who in my eyes I thought helped my sister out more. Not sure.
Myself for not being able to study and get away because I lived in a hotel. Who knows?
Then after the pity I attacked myself for being weak. This is all you got. People have done more with less. I was disgusting in my own eyes. Small inside.
It all went through my head. Every last event that happened to me that I blamed. Everything that pushed me down. Everything that brought me closer and closer to ending it. The thoughts of how. The thoughts that no one should think, and I know many have thought.
It wasn’t the money. That wasn’t it. It wasn’t the fact that I was expecting that refund to help me with my car, no, it was more. It was this one shred of hope that I was holding on to, that would prove to myself I wasn’t a loser. To help me get closer to school. Because no one was going to help me. This was me working off so finally 5 years later I could at least take a semester of college.
It was all gone. There is no point in anything I do. This proved it.
I cried the whole way. The cars didn’t seem to move. It was all a blur.
I know the drivers stared, I would’ve.
I lost it.
Then I asked him, I looked up above and yelled. Why me? what is the point of all of this to me. Out of the siblings why am I having it so hard no matter how hard I try. The inspirational bullshit tried creeping in and I pushed it aside. SHOW IT TO ME. SHOW ME!!!
I yelled this. I cried this out till there was no more of myself to give.
Like I said, this was the last place I thought I would end up alone.
I parked, still thinking about yesterday, and walked up to the doors. I’ve been here once, but I still remember it.
I open the door to find 2 other people. One woman kept her eyes closed, sitting, thinking up above. Another man was closer to the front, a little distracted by his phone. Each with their own story, their own troubles. What makes me so different? Nothing.
I walk and hear the clicks of my heels echo throughout the empty building. The quiet is so loud.
I put my purse down besides me and knelt down. My heart seemed to sigh and as I clasped my hands together, it all came out. All the tears of yesterday, the tears of today, the tears of years before; all came out in that hour. I saw them as they dropped from my eyes on the floor. I heard them echo, I heard them be free.
I wasn’t asking for riches, I was asking for fame. I was asking to see. I was asking to believe. I was asking for the reassurance that I lost, and compassion I needed to fill myself up. I was asking for my sword that I held on before, to fight, to keep fighting. I was asking to not give up, please don’t let me give up. I was asking for peace, to let this all go. I was asking where to go. I lost it. I’m lost.
I seemed to exhaled the leftover steam and rose from my pew towards the door.
I dipped my hand in the water, that many have dipped, each with the unwavering belief and hope, that there is still belief and hope.
I walked out towards my car on my way like it never happened.
A man can learn anything from a book, can be taught anything if willing, but can’t learn experience.
…and I can only write what I know.