LIfe Journey

Start on your knees to finish on your feet

It was the last place I expected to be, along with the last place anyone would find me.   Once again having the government screwing me over, yesterday I just snapped. I was here now thinking of how I yelled while driving. I was screaming, talking out loud so maybe I could finally be heard. I haven’t cried that uncontrollable in a long time. I couldn’t see where I was going. My eyes kept refilling with tears, washing away my make-up, washing away this face I put on.

I yelled at myself. The other part of me that repeated over and over again, ” You are a loser. This is it. This is what you’ve done. What do you have to show for it.” Washed away this hate towards myself. Moving onto the past.

Who else should I blame? My father who was a drug addict at that time. Maybe.

My mother who in my eyes I thought helped my sister out more. Not sure.

Myself for not being able to study and get away because I lived in a hotel. Who knows?

Then after the pity I attacked myself for being weak. This is all you got. People have done more with less. I was disgusting in my own eyes. Small inside.

It all went through my head. Every last event that happened to me that I blamed. Everything that pushed me down. Everything that brought me closer and closer to ending it. The thoughts of how. The thoughts that no one should think, and I know many have thought.

It wasn’t the money. That wasn’t it. It wasn’t the fact that I was expecting that refund to help me with my car, no, it was more. It was this one shred of hope that I was holding on to, that would prove to myself I wasn’t a loser. To help me get closer to school. Because no one was going to help me. This was me working off so finally 5 years later I could at least take a semester of college.

It was all gone. There is no point in anything I do. This proved it.

I cried the whole way. The cars didn’t seem to move. It was all a blur.

I know the drivers stared, I would’ve.

I lost it.

Then I asked him, I looked up above and yelled. Why me? what is the point of all of this to me. Out of the siblings why am I having it so hard no matter how hard I try. The inspirational bullshit tried creeping in and I pushed it aside. SHOW IT TO ME. SHOW ME!!!

I yelled this. I cried this out till there was no more of myself to give.

Like I said, this was the last place I thought I would end up alone.

I parked, still thinking about yesterday, and walked up to the doors. I’ve been here once, but I still remember it.

I open the door to find 2 other people. One woman kept her eyes closed, sitting, thinking up above. Another man was closer to the front, a little distracted by his phone. Each with their own story, their own troubles. What makes me so different? Nothing.

I walk and hear the clicks of my heels echo throughout the empty building. The quiet is so loud.

I put my purse down besides me and knelt down. My heart seemed to sigh and as I clasped my hands together, it all came out. All the tears of yesterday, the tears of today, the tears of years before; all came out in that hour. I saw them as they dropped from my eyes on the floor. I heard them echo, I heard them be free.

I wasn’t asking for riches, I was asking for fame. I was asking to see. I was asking to believe. I was asking for the reassurance that I lost, and compassion I needed to fill myself up. I was asking for my sword that I held on before, to fight, to keep fighting. I was asking to not give up, please don’t let me give up. I was asking for peace, to let this all go. I was asking where to go. I lost it. I’m lost.

I seemed to exhaled the leftover steam and rose from my pew towards the door.

I dipped my hand in the water, that many have dipped, each with the unwavering belief and hope, that there is still belief and hope.

I walked out towards my car on my way like it never happened.

A man can learn anything from a book, can be taught anything if willing, but can’t learn experience.

…and I can only write what I know.

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8 thoughts on “Start on your knees to finish on your feet

  1. M. Elie says:

    That was tough to read, but incredibly honest. Thank you for sharing. I hope you found the faith to persist. I understand that desperate need for some ounce of validation from a universe seemingly intent on crushing you where stand, regardless of how hard you fight it. But I can also tell you, after you’ve picked yourself up from the latest beat down, you continue on. Maybe to allow karma an opportunity to realize she’s forgotten to even up the ledger. Maybe it’s belief that all your sacrifice and persistence will pay off. Maybe it’s just plain spite. But you have to continue on. Like you have no other choice. Because you don’t. While reading this entry conjured up some decidedly unhappy memories, I did persist long enough to see things (finally) get better. And I wouldn’t have ever had seen that corner turn if I had allowed myself to surrender. So please keep going Jane. And good luck. I hope I get to read about when you reach that corner turn in your life.

    • Thank you for reading, as always, and i’m sorry if it triggered anything unhappy. I’m waiting to turn my corner, and i’m glad you did as well. 🙂

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