Someone told me that I changed, that I’m not the same anymore. I simply said, of course, when will you?
Not sure if this is yet another trial of adolescents, growing up, reaching the peak of adult hood and notifying the difference between growing up and aging. All of the above.
What angers me the most is how I want to punch certain people in the throat, but am trying my best to let this all go, for the sake of my own growth and prosper in life.
It was a friends graduation party last night. I was sent a sort of last-minute un-vitation, if I may quote from Seinfeld. The oddest collection of people were at that gathering. I’m not sure why but it bothered me. One was my best friend about 5 years ago, another was a close friend, one was a past lover who I may have written about, and others were people we all grew up with. No one really new. Just this bunch. This bunch that hated each other, liked each other, and talked so much crap, yet I was the “bad person.”
Yes, this angers me.
Looking at certain pictures just brought back memories. Besides that it brought back where I came from, especially 5 years ago.
I found pieces of paper ripped out from an old journal I had. It was a record of when my family and myself lived in a hotel. It was just the scene. All I wrote about was where I was sitting, asking myself questions, and just observing. The smallest detail of when I wrote about my mother applying her make-up made me cry. I kept it in for so long.
I read this to her aloud and I broke down.
I don’t know if it was for any self-inflicted memory it brought back or out of joy that it was over.
All I could remember, from this, to those pictures is how those “friends” were never really there. They seemed to feed off of my misfortunes. Feeling sorry doesn’t count as friendship. Anyone could feel sorry for something and walk on by. The words ” you are playing the victim” murmured in my background. This is what I was told.
A part of me wishes for those people to feel certain things to understand, but I know I’ve changed when I understand this isn’t important anymore, it is in the past.
So, yes, of course I’ve changed. WE all do. I can say with a strong soul and heart that I’ve changed for the better, and will keep changing for the better. That’s when you know who are your “friends.” People who understand the differences or distance and pure heartily respect and encourage the well-being for yourself.
After I graduate on my own terms, get a better job and satisfy every goal that I have, I will be more than happy that I changed.
Evolve into something better.
Don’t dissolve to feel better.
On an unrelated note, I have ditched work to continue my essay on business ethics, how ironic.