I’ve been off for four days.
Not off of work, not off from school, just off. I’ve been waking up off, waking up in set motions of emotions in my mind.
One more than usual, this week, and today I’m heading to the doctor’s.
They sent me home from work yesterday and today here I am trying not to hold onto what ever I have left. I know it’s more mental and emotional, but at the risk of being labeled insane luckily for me and my employer, I have physical pain as well.
The palpitations started yesterday at work, along with my right eye being blurry. I couldn’t see. It was a smog on my eye, I saw lights, I got dizzy, and I froze as I felt my heart beating in my ears. I live with this all the time. No one really knows whats wrong with me, but the eye was a new trick.
I blame it entirely on my mental breakdown yesterday. I have a feeling I’m slowly breaking, while fighting within myself to stand, when maybe I do need a little rest.
I know it’s stress.
God only knows.
How can I explain the thoughts, that are more than what I write.
I bought myself another journal, four days ago, and within those four days are pages of honest raw material that shocks me…but I’m a liar to really say it shocks me fully.
My fears of being stuck, of waking up off, not trusting what I feel, what I think, trying to find comfort in someone…trying to find comfort.
Rereading what I wrote disturbed me. To see how I look at myself, to see how I feel when I’m in this state of being and mind.
Luckily my mom talked me down. She made me feel normal, like any mother would, yet she brought up an aged old question: Maybe you are bipolar? Maybe you came out like your dad?
Which if you know me or read what I let out, I’ve always been compared to that man in more ways than possible, a curse I thought I had.
“The thoughts of a restless mind, the thoughts of a seeker…” my scribbles I let out.
What am I looking for? The journey continues…only been four days.