“You’re a naughty girl and that’s pure concentrated evil coming out from you…”

  1. ‘ Wash your hands first. Take off plastic wrap and throw it away. Do not flush wrapper. Gently tug on the string and make sure that the string is hanging outside of the inner tube.'” OK seems simple enough. It’s small.
  2. “‘ Hold on to the textured perfect touch grip area with your thumb and middle finger keeping your pointer finger free.‘” Must be this groove with the flowers here.
  3. “‘ Find a comfortable position either siting (with your knees apart) or standing with one foot elevated. Relaxing will make insertion easier.‘”
  4. “‘ insert the tip of the applicator into the opening of your vagina and gently glide it toward your lower back until your fingers are just touching your body.'” .. why can’t I find my vagina now. This is embarrassing. Why don’t you go in? You were right there a minute ago.
  5.  “‘ To fully insert, push the inner tube with your finger all the way into the outer tube. It should feel comfortable inside of you and the string should be outside of your body. If you feel and discomfort, remove and try inserting a new one.'” omg, omg, omg, is this purple thing suppose to come off. Omg, omg, it ate the string. Omg, omg….

Mid 20’s and I have never used a tampon before,  not sure if you could tell. My sister and me were raised from a catholic mother with the perception that bad, naughty loose girls use tampons and good modest girls use pads.

A decade and some later me and my sister finally experimented with tampons.

To my surprise I got a box of crayon looking toys with a flowered grip. This is supposed to go in me?

It took me a while to actually succeed in getting the first half in the desired area. For some odd reason I had the giggles of a prepubescent young girl giggling at the word penis and vagina. I assume this is normal?

There I was, with one leg up trying desperately to insert this purple barney looking tube inside of myself. I had to mentally calm myself down and then give myself a pep talk.

“You got this Jane. You’re a big girl now. Yeah, put it in.”

I fear my neighbors heard all of this.

“Yessss. it’s in!”

And it went in…what I failed to realized was that the “applicator” comes off. For people as dumb as myself, or guys, the applicator is self-explanatory and merely helps you apply the absorbency pillow in one’s cookie. Now…I didn’t know this. The moment I pushed the outer tube in and that string disappeared….I freaked out.

Horrible thoughts of having to go to the doctor to have someone search for a lost string and pull it out raced through my head.

Calling out from work due to, “stupidity and improper use of a tampon” were written on an imaginary paper.

Once I actually found the string and realized, this is how it’s suppose to be, I read another disturbing message on the box.

2013-09-20 10.19.25

Toxic Shock Syndrome!

Holy cow, and my biggest fear was sneezing and having it shoot out.

Oh, the trials of being a woman.


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