It seems easier the more you say it, so they say.
Maybe I am too fucked up for someone.
I don’t disclose many things but at this point I lost it all…what else is there to hide? Not a damn thing.
I am a self-centered, pathetic, sadistic slab of a human that is looking for a disease to save me. I am this mess. This sad pile that is reflecting it all. That wants to know why it got this way. I’m not editing..I’m ranting..it’s 9:14 p.m., and I should be working…on what? On something that ultimately made me alone…?
I am curious how a knife feels.
I am curious.
past thoughts swarm pass to heighten my curiosity…
I was in a bad relationship at 18. I was emotionally abused and sexually assaulted, to the point where I thought that’s how it’s suppose to be. First real relationship with an older guy, this is normal?
Fell in love at 19. Lasted till I was 23. On and off and between juggling my insanity I had people in between. Couldn’t be alone.
Tried again at 23-24. Had more people in between.
Tried again at 25…fell in love.
Fell again I’m alone.
Because I blame 18 for this so much. I blame it all on who I am. I blame it all on the nightmares. I blame it for every single thing.
and I’m curious how it feels on my skin.
if that’s how it is to feel…